Archive | November, 2011

Lick your hand

11 Nov

Recently, my boyfriend Travis told me a story that I just loved. We were on the subject of how and why we broke up with certain exes and he told me the story of his high school girlfriend and her unfortunate lengthy affliction with halitosis which led to him dumping her.

Jennifer (not her real name) was pretty but “not drop dead” according to Travis. This is relevant because Travis peaked in high school and could have gotten any girl to go out with him. He was captain of the football team and had his first real girlfriend at the age of 13. When I tell you “real girlfriend,” I am not kidding. This same first girlfriend gave him his first real blow job at 13 as well.

I know. Like me, hearing this, you are angry, disgusted and yet curious about a 13 yr old receiving felatio and you want to delve into this but let’s stay on track and we’ll come back to this.

There was basically just “something about Jennifer” that he liked and so they started dating. Not very long into their relationship, Travis discovered that she had severe halitosis, like maybe only a week.

“What did you say to her??” I asked. “Nothing, I was embarrassed to say something.”

“How long did you date her after discovering this?” “Too long. A couple months.”

Apparently, they started dating right around prom time and he had already asked her to it and he did not see a way out. So they continued to date.

A few days before prom, he started hitting it off with another girl but he was a “nice guy” and he was going to take Jennifer, no matter what. He picked her up in his dad’s mint condition white ’67 Chevy. There was very little conversation on the way to the prom.

“Do you like my dress?” Jennifer said. “Oh, sure, it’s nice,” said Travis.

When they arrived at the school, Travis did not stay around Jennifer much. At one point, he said she looked stressed, like she was going to cry at any moment.

During one of the very few moments they were standing next to each other, a fellow guy classmate, let’s call him Ken, walked up to them and said, “Hey. Wow Jennifer, you look really beautiful.” Travis said he gulped, knowing that he had not once told her how pretty she looked.

Travis dumped Jennifer the following week and within a week Ken asked Jennifer out and they started dating. Fifteen years later, they are married now and they have 2 children.

I don’t agree with halitosis because I believe that it’s a preventable condition. But I think Travis was a bit of a jerk and it makes me so happy to know that after being humiliated by him on prom night that she very quickly met the man that was to be her husband…The man who had the courage to walk up to her and her prom night and tell that she was beautiful.

I once read that if you want to know if you have bad breath, lick the back of your hand, leave it for 10 seconds, then smell it. This recommendation really had me rolling on the floor because even if your breath smells like roses, licking a hand is automatically going to make the saliva on your hand smell strange.

I have a better idea. I came up with this hypothetical invention where it’s like sticking a thermometer in your mouth and you pull it out and it gives a reading like “Fresh as roses!” or “Stop eating animal dung!” The great thing about it though is that similar to a thermometer, you can stick it under your armpit and “down there.” So say you are curious about your arm pits, you could stick this under there and it would let you know if you need a shower or just quick reapplication of your deodorant.

And for down there, well, we’ve all been in situations where we are in the throes of an impromptu encounter and we wonder if we are taking a risk by being intimate with someone. How can you really know??

Again, stick that thermometer, smellmometer down there and wait for your reading. Eventually, there will be an app for this and you know I’m right.

Back to 13 yr olds giving felatio. I will take a bold stand here and say that I am against it. The thought of a young girl performing such a sexual act on a boy makes me want to hurl. It does not make me feel better because they were the same age. It’s just wrong. And where, pray tell, can 2 13 yr olds be unsupervised for such a period of time to do such a thing. I barely remember a time when I was that age and I was by myself for such a long time except for when I used the bathroom!

And that’s all the time I want to spend on that.

One last thing, the other morning we were just talking and horsing around in bed and Travis got close to me and said “Your breath kinds stinks.” I pushed him off of me and said “I just woke up! It’s 8am!” Sniff, sniff, sniff, I leaned down to smell his breath and he tried to dodge my face. I caught a whiff and it reeked. “Your breath smells like Griffin’s asshole. You know what? I am going to meet someone today who is going to tell me that I’m pretty and then I will leave you!”

He looked at me and smiled and then I got up and brushed my teeth. Twice. Just in case.